one might say we're banned from that church
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
