whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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