The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
