my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
he just fucked me for my cheese..
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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