Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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