Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
