Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I can text with my tongue
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
