But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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