so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize