before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
