Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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