And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
