Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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