in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
