When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
