quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
