get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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