so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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