Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
