Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
