when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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