No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
