just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
