I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
