yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
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I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
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Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?