While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
