nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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