I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My bed smells like the plague
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
