the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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