I'm lost and stupid without you.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
