He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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