hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
