My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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