Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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