after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
