My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She announced her abortion via fbk
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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