We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
