Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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