The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
