You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
