I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
