Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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