Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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