It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
