you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
