I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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