my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
