Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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