I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Did you pee in the oven last night??
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
