Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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