My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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