i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
