His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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