how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
