Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize