I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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