oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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