Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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