I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
