he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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