The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
