Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
