apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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