I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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